Real Newspaper Headlines

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

STUD TIRES OUT

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

Classified ads

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,

555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of

the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly

served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;

Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs

and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra

pair to take home, too

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it

carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an

Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful

condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere

Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean

de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena

Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds,

and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.

Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable

that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.

References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to

travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find

person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard,

meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,

you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite

5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.

Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to

assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of

contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom

for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in

variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your